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demeter918
Title: "This Tilting Path"
Author: Demeter
Pairings: None, but hints of Shigure/Akito, Kureno/Akito
Rating: PG13
Notes: spoilers up to Chapter 101, angst
Disclaimer:All rights and privileges of Fruits Basket characters, objects and plots are property and trademarks of Takaya Natsuki and associated parties. The author claims no legal responsibility for problems associated with using this work. The original story, relationships, and characters found within the fic are property of the author Demeter.
Summary: They are beholden to their God. They are slaves to their God. Thirteen Juunishi.
Yuki
His head doesn't hurt anymore; the wound Akito gave him by smashing the pitcher was almost negligent. Yuki wonders whether Akito is losing his touch. He wonders whether Akito has become soft. And he wonders if this means that the end is near. It does not fill him with glee or joy or even relief. He dreams about the day he met Akito and every time he does, he awakes with tears in his eyes and sobs caught in his chest. It is deceptively heavy, the pressing knowledge that Akito is dying and that there is nothing to be done. Yuki can no longer call upon those old feelings of abandonment and rage – it as if they have faded along with Akito's life.
Yuki wishes the curse could be broken. He wishes he could be stronger. He wishes Akito could be stronger. He wishes his life wasn't granted by Akito’s pain. He wishes Tohru could escape it all. He wishes that there was something he could do.
But if wishes were horses...
Haru
Along with Yuki, Haru is the most beloved of the all the younger Juunishi. He knows he has a special place in Akito's heart. His childish nickname for Akito is 'Oni', and it's obvious Akito hates the implications. But Akito still allows Haru to call him that; it's a little perverse, but that fact makes Haru just a bit proud. It makes up for all the times Akito made fun of him and his stupidity. It's one of the odd ways Akito shows his love for Haru and Haru is proud to be unique. He is proud that Akito favours him so. He is proud that he has Akito, that he has Yuki, that he has Rin – Haru is and always will be a simple, loving boy who gets lost easily.
But even pride can fall when Rin fell.
He still calls Akito, 'Oni'. And Akito still answers. But there are shadows, and he can see death glint in the eyes of his God. It was the soft crying he heard after Yuki went to stay with Shigure and the vomit after Akito smashed Hatori's face. There was no one else to take care of Akito but the cow and while Haru is worried over too many things, it makes him verge on Black Haru as he holds Akito’s soft hair away from his thin face as the boy heaves dryly into the toilet.
It is why Haru has never moved away.
Kisa
For Kisa, Akito was like a fragile monster. He's someone she fears, but it isn't because he'd physically thrown her into the hospital; those wounds were gone in a couple of days and there hadn't been too many lingering after effects. She knows it isn't his physical stature, because there were times she fancied she weighed more than him and if she isn't careful, she'd break one too many bones just by breathing around Akito.
But it's like he encompasses the entire world without having to lift a finger. His eyes burned into hers and she'd always felt sick the moments after he averted his eyes and pointedly ignored her presence in favour of Hiro. Kisa has been kept carefully away from Akito, like Kagura; everyone knew Akito had an especially terrible temper over females, and poor Rin who'd landed in the hospital for weeks on end.
She couldn't explain, though she knew the rest of the Juunishi must surely understand the fact that it's like drinking sweet poison every time she looks at Akito. The sky dimmed, the clouds gathered, and it made Kisa wake in tears whenever she remembers the way the way Akito’s wrist was raised against the sun and she'd seen the light shine through like warm golden honey. She could see two bones connected to Akito's wrist and delicate hands and then there is nothing but blinding pain but how could Kisa remember the pain when it's the thin wrist ravaged by their curse?
Momiji
Happiness is something Momiji believes in. Happiness is something Momiji loves. And Momiji knows that none of them are happy and that is part of their curse. Their curse for stripping life from their God. Momiji knows how to smile and laugh; perhaps that is the best he will ever do.
He knows Akito cannot handle women, cannot handle mothers in particular. He has seen Akito strike his mother when she said she couldn't have a monster for a child. He knows that Akito ordered for her to stay away from the inner quarters and that she was never to set foot near Momiji again. He knows that Momo and his father suffer from the cold shoulder of the family. He knows that Akito petted him on the head and allowed him to sleep next to him for the night. He remembers crying and Akito saying that Momiji would never need a mother as long as Akito was there.
Momiji remembers Akito striking his face and screaming at him. For laughing and smiling when Akito couldn't.
Akito has always wept and Momiji knows that no one can stop tears born from a darkness stretching back into ancient history. But he still smiles and laughs because if he stops, who will take his place to bring some light into Akito's world?
Hatori
As the family doctor, Hatori's prime responsibility is to take care of Akito and make sure her weakened body survives this cold and that fever. It is pragmatic and in a way, it is an irrational source of fear. He knows many of the family believe he is only taking care of Akito because Akito is 'God', and it's too painfully true. There would always be a God and there would always be a doctor to take care of the failing human body that could hardly contain the burning glory.
He measures the world in pills and temperatures and the only time he ever measured differently was shattered by the existence of a well-placed vase. Though he knows that he should feel a form of regret, but seeing her happy smile is something he cannot ever regret. He doesn't know whether Akito regrets or not, but it is impossible not to miss the vomit and nightmares when he is the one to measure Akito's health.
She demands his allegiance. She orders his hands. She controls his eyes.
When they're alone and there's no one to make her hesitate, she asks a million rhetorical questions that beg for an answer. She asks if he hates her. She taunts him about Kana. She whirls in a beautiful cloud of rage and madness that reminds him of Ren and the curse. Very quietly, so quietly, he can hear her begging him to hate her, asking him with a child-like voice of hopelessness and fear whether she really would die. He says the truth. He brushes her hair back from her thin face. He says that she shouldn't think about it anymore.
Hatori does not believe in lying, but he can't help but lie when Akito asks him to.
Ayame
Ayame makes tea for Akito every Tuesday and every Friday. Akito will listen to Ayame prattle on about his store, about the profits, about guests – but never about Mine! - and Akito will let her tea sit until it's too cold to drink. Ayame has never seen Akito drink his specially-made tea. It's alright. Ayame knows he has never seen Akito eat or drink in general. It's as if the girl lived on air and dreams.
It is hard for Ayame to explain his devotion to Akito. He loves Yuki so much he'd stop time. He hates himself for doing the heartless things he did when Yuki had begged for a saviour. It is misery that breeds in their family and though they all know it, Ayame also knows no one will stop the dull edged knife. Ayame has his own special love and enthusiastic descriptions for Hatori, for Shigure, for Ritsu, for Tohru – but he cannot explain Akito. He cannot say whether it is hypocritical to love both Akito and Yuki when Akito has done everything to tear Yuki apart.
It is strange, but Ayame has never seen Akito ill. The God orders Hatori to keep Ayame away because Ayame – being the snake – has very little immunity to colds and fevers. It is a mark of Akito's love, though sometimes Ayame wishes he could be there to stroke a hot forehead marked by sweat and nightmares.
He wants to dress Akito in beautiful dresses and delicate lace. He wants to make her Japan's fanciest kimono and most expensive obi. He wants to sew thousands of outfits for every day of the week, for every day of the year, for every day of the next a hundred years.
What Ayame really wants is for Akito ask him about colours and fabrics and what would look best on her.
Rin
There is excruciating pain, there is terror, there is Hiro's shout, there are the wild flowers cushioning her fall, there is Haru’s face flashing across her mind, there's Akito's eyes as empty as the starless sky, there is nothing, nothing, nothing but scissors in her mind and knives at her chest.
She is sorry she has made Akito angry.
All hospitals look alike, and even though Hatori has repeatedly asked if she wants to return home, she says she'd rather stay there if he doesn't mind. Hatori is not pleased; this isn't a private hospital and who knows what might happen if she morphed due to stress? But Rin has more control than that. She broods. She tells Haru she never wants to see him again. She hates Yuki. She wants her mother.
Rin loves Akito more than ever and wants the curse broken so she can be with Haru, so she can stop hating Yuki, so her mother will like her, so Akito wouldn't go further into the darkness than he already has. It is a boy of fatal madness who stood in front of her and though Rin knows martial arts, the hands go to her throat and she hears the hate in his voice because her hair is too long, too black, too female, too much like someone she has never met though the presence hangs like a tainted noose.
She knows it is not Akito's fault. She knows he is not evil. She knows that Akito didn't mean it. But that doesn't stop the pain that severs her heart when she remembers the starless sky.
Hiro
Hiro has seen Rin pushed out the window and seen Kisa pale and bruised on the hospital bed. He wants to hate Akito. Wants to hate the God who could only stare blankly at the window after such a cruel, cruel deed. He had turned to scream for someone to help Rin, and he remembers the moment, as if time had stilled, with seconds passing like hours, where everything was etched sharply into his memory. A storm melted the sun and the shadows were playing in the corners of the hall, but he'd never forget the grief in Akito's dark, dark eyes – was it doomed to haunt him always?
Akito pets Hiro on the head. He gives Hiro candy. But he hates that Hiro loves someone other than him. Hiro cannot stop Akito. Hiro doesn't know how to stop Akito. Hiro wishes Akito isn't always ill. The sheep follows and never leads, but he wonders whether Akito had ever led them in the way meant.
If Akito grieved, then why did he do such a thing? Why? Why? Why?
Hiro asks himself, but never, oh never, does he get an answer.
Ritsu
Whenever Akito is around, Ritsu becomes strangely silent. He cannot apologize and he cannot beg for forgiveness; Akito is dying for him – how does Ritsu apologize for that? How does Ritsu hate a boy who will die? How does Ritsu love a boy who hurts everyone around him?
But it is impossible for Ritsu to not love Akito. Akito was the storm cloud, the waning sun, the waxing moon – he was someone Ritsu loved, loved, loved. So what if Akito barely looked at him? So what if Akito said the things Ritsu wore were disgusting? So what if Akito acted as if Ritsu was an embarrassment among the Juunishi? Akito was always wrapped up in clothing as thick as sin even in summer and Ritsu knew it was to hide secrets no one else knew but he could guess. Ritsu could guess because there were things about Akito that were too much like a little boy who begged for forgiveness, who dressed up in lace and ribbons.
Ayame had told Ritsu once that true love was selfless. Ritsu loved Akito without any hope of reciprocity.
He didn't – and couldn't – care.
Kureno
No one is companion to Akito as much as he is. No one knows Akito as intimately. Whether the softness of her inner thigh or the sharp ways her bones jutted from her back, Kureno has seen it all and knows that everything he does is useless in the long run because he is not the one she wants. He is the replacement, the safeguard, the one she can keep at her side because guilt is the only thing left in this rotting family. Guilt, centuries of oppression and a legacy that leaves a child on Death's bed.
Kureno tries not to think about it.
There are only so many things he can do to save the world and as the years spiral by and the twisted fury grows, it hurts more than it helps. He can only stand by the door and watch Hatori lose his eye and can only acquiesce to Akito’s pain-filled embrace as she asks for a comfort he can give but does she want? It is all about Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren – a maddening confrontation between mother and child and the tears that flow until they stain the tatami mats red. He tries not to push but inevitably, the howls of the dog ring in his ear.
Isn't there a beautiful, brassy blonde girl somewhere in his stilted life?
Akito broke that terribly wonderful day and Kureno has promised his life in answer.
Shigure
There is no such thing as happiness; Shigure believes in the cold, hard truth. He has seen so much of the world and so little of it that he knows that happiness is for idealists like Tohru and those with determination like Momiji. He hopes they a knife will one day strike them and draw a ragged line of reality, but he also hopes that there is still hope.
His happiness?
His happiness had been all wrapped up in the kimonoed figure of a troubled little girl, the curves of skin baby soft, the feather-light touch of fingers brushing over his face in a wispy promise for the future. He knows that it is perverse to love her since she was a baby, but who judges? Who calls the rules? No one he knows. It was the feeling of awe and grief and joy when they had awoke to the God whispering in their ears about 'his' arrival. It was the touching of Ren's belly, knowing a life, the life was flourishing like seeds after a spring rain. He'd whispered a promise to himself that he would never let go of that feeling, never let go of the explosion of heat that had lit up in his chest; no one but a Juunishi could understand what it all meant. Life – a purpose, a love, a future that didn't belong to the animal or to the human. They belonged to their unborn God.
Shigure's memory is vivid. He remembers the way she opened her big dark eyes and looked up at him for the first time. He remembers the faint scent of clean powder and camellias. Her fingers grasped his and his heart simultaneously bloomed and shriveled. Possession rears out to claim territory. The curse howls and he cannot find the words to tell Ayame why he suddenly started weeping; it was something unexplainable, something as unreachable as happiness. It is contradictory.
But none of it matters. He caresses her hand, touches her face, whispers his soul into her ear and feels happiness when she blushes. But all in naught as he wakes to the day she smells like the Rooster and has chosen her mate from an abrupt change in character that borders on lunacy. His body betrays him and he falls into Ren's inviting arms – she smells of the same camellias – and Akito breaks into an unrelenting fury. He never looks back as he walks out her door, but it is the hardest thing he has ever done. Shigure pretends he cannot hear her sobs.
Nothing matters, nothing matters, nothing matters. Shigure is loyal to the very end.
All Shigure lives for is the moment Akito belongs to him again.
Kagura
Kagura knows she is one of the luckiest Juunishi. Her mother loves her and has the will to not let her curse rule their lives. It is a barrier, sometimes.
Like when it comes time for her to make an obligatory visit to Akito. Though Akito rarely wants to see her, she knows in his hearts of hearts, he wants to keep them all near him but modernity dictates that impossibility. He never looks at her and she always looks at him because it pleases her and it pleases him. She never knows why. It's one of those anomalies that belongs to Sohma Akito and she would never be a person with the ability to crack that hard wall hissing with Sohma secrets.
She has never gotten angry at Akito. She has never felt that he was the devil in disguise. He was God and if God chose to punish them for imagined infractions, then she could do nothing but bow her head down to the earth and pray for an absolution Akito cannot give. She never hides her love for Kyo and she has never been confused on that point. The past festers and she can sometimes feel Akito's shadowy figure from the window watching Kyo and her. Her hand tightens; she wants to press a kiss to that pallid face.
Kagura loves for the future.
Kyo
Kyo can hear people talking, even when they are very quiet. He hears Hatori and Shigure speak in low voices about Akito's health. He knows that Akito has grown sick with shorter intervals of freedom. And he knows that the boy-god is rapidly seeing ghosts in the air.
And he buries his head in his covers, because he doesn't want to know.
Akito's eyes are the shade of pitch, of night, of damnation; Kyo doesn't want despair and grief to colour his image of Akito. He doesn't want for Akito to look anything less than a monster; but the cat in him shrieks for its God. The cat wants to protect Akito against further harm. The cat wants to give its life - the life Akito grants with his dying ways – back to the head of the Sohma family. It makes Kyo break things and fight Yuki and he wants to bury his face in Tohru's arms and cry, cry, cry.
But the cat and Kyo are inseparable.
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altar_of_akito.
Author: Demeter
Pairings: None, but hints of Shigure/Akito, Kureno/Akito
Rating: PG13
Notes: spoilers up to Chapter 101, angst
Disclaimer:All rights and privileges of Fruits Basket characters, objects and plots are property and trademarks of Takaya Natsuki and associated parties. The author claims no legal responsibility for problems associated with using this work. The original story, relationships, and characters found within the fic are property of the author Demeter.
Summary: They are beholden to their God. They are slaves to their God. Thirteen Juunishi.
Yuki
His head doesn't hurt anymore; the wound Akito gave him by smashing the pitcher was almost negligent. Yuki wonders whether Akito is losing his touch. He wonders whether Akito has become soft. And he wonders if this means that the end is near. It does not fill him with glee or joy or even relief. He dreams about the day he met Akito and every time he does, he awakes with tears in his eyes and sobs caught in his chest. It is deceptively heavy, the pressing knowledge that Akito is dying and that there is nothing to be done. Yuki can no longer call upon those old feelings of abandonment and rage – it as if they have faded along with Akito's life.
Yuki wishes the curse could be broken. He wishes he could be stronger. He wishes Akito could be stronger. He wishes his life wasn't granted by Akito’s pain. He wishes Tohru could escape it all. He wishes that there was something he could do.
But if wishes were horses...
Haru
Along with Yuki, Haru is the most beloved of the all the younger Juunishi. He knows he has a special place in Akito's heart. His childish nickname for Akito is 'Oni', and it's obvious Akito hates the implications. But Akito still allows Haru to call him that; it's a little perverse, but that fact makes Haru just a bit proud. It makes up for all the times Akito made fun of him and his stupidity. It's one of the odd ways Akito shows his love for Haru and Haru is proud to be unique. He is proud that Akito favours him so. He is proud that he has Akito, that he has Yuki, that he has Rin – Haru is and always will be a simple, loving boy who gets lost easily.
But even pride can fall when Rin fell.
He still calls Akito, 'Oni'. And Akito still answers. But there are shadows, and he can see death glint in the eyes of his God. It was the soft crying he heard after Yuki went to stay with Shigure and the vomit after Akito smashed Hatori's face. There was no one else to take care of Akito but the cow and while Haru is worried over too many things, it makes him verge on Black Haru as he holds Akito’s soft hair away from his thin face as the boy heaves dryly into the toilet.
It is why Haru has never moved away.
Kisa
For Kisa, Akito was like a fragile monster. He's someone she fears, but it isn't because he'd physically thrown her into the hospital; those wounds were gone in a couple of days and there hadn't been too many lingering after effects. She knows it isn't his physical stature, because there were times she fancied she weighed more than him and if she isn't careful, she'd break one too many bones just by breathing around Akito.
But it's like he encompasses the entire world without having to lift a finger. His eyes burned into hers and she'd always felt sick the moments after he averted his eyes and pointedly ignored her presence in favour of Hiro. Kisa has been kept carefully away from Akito, like Kagura; everyone knew Akito had an especially terrible temper over females, and poor Rin who'd landed in the hospital for weeks on end.
She couldn't explain, though she knew the rest of the Juunishi must surely understand the fact that it's like drinking sweet poison every time she looks at Akito. The sky dimmed, the clouds gathered, and it made Kisa wake in tears whenever she remembers the way the way Akito’s wrist was raised against the sun and she'd seen the light shine through like warm golden honey. She could see two bones connected to Akito's wrist and delicate hands and then there is nothing but blinding pain but how could Kisa remember the pain when it's the thin wrist ravaged by their curse?
Momiji
Happiness is something Momiji believes in. Happiness is something Momiji loves. And Momiji knows that none of them are happy and that is part of their curse. Their curse for stripping life from their God. Momiji knows how to smile and laugh; perhaps that is the best he will ever do.
He knows Akito cannot handle women, cannot handle mothers in particular. He has seen Akito strike his mother when she said she couldn't have a monster for a child. He knows that Akito ordered for her to stay away from the inner quarters and that she was never to set foot near Momiji again. He knows that Momo and his father suffer from the cold shoulder of the family. He knows that Akito petted him on the head and allowed him to sleep next to him for the night. He remembers crying and Akito saying that Momiji would never need a mother as long as Akito was there.
Momiji remembers Akito striking his face and screaming at him. For laughing and smiling when Akito couldn't.
Akito has always wept and Momiji knows that no one can stop tears born from a darkness stretching back into ancient history. But he still smiles and laughs because if he stops, who will take his place to bring some light into Akito's world?
Hatori
As the family doctor, Hatori's prime responsibility is to take care of Akito and make sure her weakened body survives this cold and that fever. It is pragmatic and in a way, it is an irrational source of fear. He knows many of the family believe he is only taking care of Akito because Akito is 'God', and it's too painfully true. There would always be a God and there would always be a doctor to take care of the failing human body that could hardly contain the burning glory.
He measures the world in pills and temperatures and the only time he ever measured differently was shattered by the existence of a well-placed vase. Though he knows that he should feel a form of regret, but seeing her happy smile is something he cannot ever regret. He doesn't know whether Akito regrets or not, but it is impossible not to miss the vomit and nightmares when he is the one to measure Akito's health.
She demands his allegiance. She orders his hands. She controls his eyes.
When they're alone and there's no one to make her hesitate, she asks a million rhetorical questions that beg for an answer. She asks if he hates her. She taunts him about Kana. She whirls in a beautiful cloud of rage and madness that reminds him of Ren and the curse. Very quietly, so quietly, he can hear her begging him to hate her, asking him with a child-like voice of hopelessness and fear whether she really would die. He says the truth. He brushes her hair back from her thin face. He says that she shouldn't think about it anymore.
Hatori does not believe in lying, but he can't help but lie when Akito asks him to.
Ayame
Ayame makes tea for Akito every Tuesday and every Friday. Akito will listen to Ayame prattle on about his store, about the profits, about guests – but never about Mine! - and Akito will let her tea sit until it's too cold to drink. Ayame has never seen Akito drink his specially-made tea. It's alright. Ayame knows he has never seen Akito eat or drink in general. It's as if the girl lived on air and dreams.
It is hard for Ayame to explain his devotion to Akito. He loves Yuki so much he'd stop time. He hates himself for doing the heartless things he did when Yuki had begged for a saviour. It is misery that breeds in their family and though they all know it, Ayame also knows no one will stop the dull edged knife. Ayame has his own special love and enthusiastic descriptions for Hatori, for Shigure, for Ritsu, for Tohru – but he cannot explain Akito. He cannot say whether it is hypocritical to love both Akito and Yuki when Akito has done everything to tear Yuki apart.
It is strange, but Ayame has never seen Akito ill. The God orders Hatori to keep Ayame away because Ayame – being the snake – has very little immunity to colds and fevers. It is a mark of Akito's love, though sometimes Ayame wishes he could be there to stroke a hot forehead marked by sweat and nightmares.
He wants to dress Akito in beautiful dresses and delicate lace. He wants to make her Japan's fanciest kimono and most expensive obi. He wants to sew thousands of outfits for every day of the week, for every day of the year, for every day of the next a hundred years.
What Ayame really wants is for Akito ask him about colours and fabrics and what would look best on her.
Rin
There is excruciating pain, there is terror, there is Hiro's shout, there are the wild flowers cushioning her fall, there is Haru’s face flashing across her mind, there's Akito's eyes as empty as the starless sky, there is nothing, nothing, nothing but scissors in her mind and knives at her chest.
She is sorry she has made Akito angry.
All hospitals look alike, and even though Hatori has repeatedly asked if she wants to return home, she says she'd rather stay there if he doesn't mind. Hatori is not pleased; this isn't a private hospital and who knows what might happen if she morphed due to stress? But Rin has more control than that. She broods. She tells Haru she never wants to see him again. She hates Yuki. She wants her mother.
Rin loves Akito more than ever and wants the curse broken so she can be with Haru, so she can stop hating Yuki, so her mother will like her, so Akito wouldn't go further into the darkness than he already has. It is a boy of fatal madness who stood in front of her and though Rin knows martial arts, the hands go to her throat and she hears the hate in his voice because her hair is too long, too black, too female, too much like someone she has never met though the presence hangs like a tainted noose.
She knows it is not Akito's fault. She knows he is not evil. She knows that Akito didn't mean it. But that doesn't stop the pain that severs her heart when she remembers the starless sky.
Hiro
Hiro has seen Rin pushed out the window and seen Kisa pale and bruised on the hospital bed. He wants to hate Akito. Wants to hate the God who could only stare blankly at the window after such a cruel, cruel deed. He had turned to scream for someone to help Rin, and he remembers the moment, as if time had stilled, with seconds passing like hours, where everything was etched sharply into his memory. A storm melted the sun and the shadows were playing in the corners of the hall, but he'd never forget the grief in Akito's dark, dark eyes – was it doomed to haunt him always?
Akito pets Hiro on the head. He gives Hiro candy. But he hates that Hiro loves someone other than him. Hiro cannot stop Akito. Hiro doesn't know how to stop Akito. Hiro wishes Akito isn't always ill. The sheep follows and never leads, but he wonders whether Akito had ever led them in the way meant.
If Akito grieved, then why did he do such a thing? Why? Why? Why?
Hiro asks himself, but never, oh never, does he get an answer.
Ritsu
Whenever Akito is around, Ritsu becomes strangely silent. He cannot apologize and he cannot beg for forgiveness; Akito is dying for him – how does Ritsu apologize for that? How does Ritsu hate a boy who will die? How does Ritsu love a boy who hurts everyone around him?
But it is impossible for Ritsu to not love Akito. Akito was the storm cloud, the waning sun, the waxing moon – he was someone Ritsu loved, loved, loved. So what if Akito barely looked at him? So what if Akito said the things Ritsu wore were disgusting? So what if Akito acted as if Ritsu was an embarrassment among the Juunishi? Akito was always wrapped up in clothing as thick as sin even in summer and Ritsu knew it was to hide secrets no one else knew but he could guess. Ritsu could guess because there were things about Akito that were too much like a little boy who begged for forgiveness, who dressed up in lace and ribbons.
Ayame had told Ritsu once that true love was selfless. Ritsu loved Akito without any hope of reciprocity.
He didn't – and couldn't – care.
Kureno
No one is companion to Akito as much as he is. No one knows Akito as intimately. Whether the softness of her inner thigh or the sharp ways her bones jutted from her back, Kureno has seen it all and knows that everything he does is useless in the long run because he is not the one she wants. He is the replacement, the safeguard, the one she can keep at her side because guilt is the only thing left in this rotting family. Guilt, centuries of oppression and a legacy that leaves a child on Death's bed.
Kureno tries not to think about it.
There are only so many things he can do to save the world and as the years spiral by and the twisted fury grows, it hurts more than it helps. He can only stand by the door and watch Hatori lose his eye and can only acquiesce to Akito’s pain-filled embrace as she asks for a comfort he can give but does she want? It is all about Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren, Ren – a maddening confrontation between mother and child and the tears that flow until they stain the tatami mats red. He tries not to push but inevitably, the howls of the dog ring in his ear.
Isn't there a beautiful, brassy blonde girl somewhere in his stilted life?
Akito broke that terribly wonderful day and Kureno has promised his life in answer.
Shigure
There is no such thing as happiness; Shigure believes in the cold, hard truth. He has seen so much of the world and so little of it that he knows that happiness is for idealists like Tohru and those with determination like Momiji. He hopes they a knife will one day strike them and draw a ragged line of reality, but he also hopes that there is still hope.
His happiness?
His happiness had been all wrapped up in the kimonoed figure of a troubled little girl, the curves of skin baby soft, the feather-light touch of fingers brushing over his face in a wispy promise for the future. He knows that it is perverse to love her since she was a baby, but who judges? Who calls the rules? No one he knows. It was the feeling of awe and grief and joy when they had awoke to the God whispering in their ears about 'his' arrival. It was the touching of Ren's belly, knowing a life, the life was flourishing like seeds after a spring rain. He'd whispered a promise to himself that he would never let go of that feeling, never let go of the explosion of heat that had lit up in his chest; no one but a Juunishi could understand what it all meant. Life – a purpose, a love, a future that didn't belong to the animal or to the human. They belonged to their unborn God.
Shigure's memory is vivid. He remembers the way she opened her big dark eyes and looked up at him for the first time. He remembers the faint scent of clean powder and camellias. Her fingers grasped his and his heart simultaneously bloomed and shriveled. Possession rears out to claim territory. The curse howls and he cannot find the words to tell Ayame why he suddenly started weeping; it was something unexplainable, something as unreachable as happiness. It is contradictory.
But none of it matters. He caresses her hand, touches her face, whispers his soul into her ear and feels happiness when she blushes. But all in naught as he wakes to the day she smells like the Rooster and has chosen her mate from an abrupt change in character that borders on lunacy. His body betrays him and he falls into Ren's inviting arms – she smells of the same camellias – and Akito breaks into an unrelenting fury. He never looks back as he walks out her door, but it is the hardest thing he has ever done. Shigure pretends he cannot hear her sobs.
Nothing matters, nothing matters, nothing matters. Shigure is loyal to the very end.
All Shigure lives for is the moment Akito belongs to him again.
Kagura
Kagura knows she is one of the luckiest Juunishi. Her mother loves her and has the will to not let her curse rule their lives. It is a barrier, sometimes.
Like when it comes time for her to make an obligatory visit to Akito. Though Akito rarely wants to see her, she knows in his hearts of hearts, he wants to keep them all near him but modernity dictates that impossibility. He never looks at her and she always looks at him because it pleases her and it pleases him. She never knows why. It's one of those anomalies that belongs to Sohma Akito and she would never be a person with the ability to crack that hard wall hissing with Sohma secrets.
She has never gotten angry at Akito. She has never felt that he was the devil in disguise. He was God and if God chose to punish them for imagined infractions, then she could do nothing but bow her head down to the earth and pray for an absolution Akito cannot give. She never hides her love for Kyo and she has never been confused on that point. The past festers and she can sometimes feel Akito's shadowy figure from the window watching Kyo and her. Her hand tightens; she wants to press a kiss to that pallid face.
Kagura loves for the future.
Kyo
Kyo can hear people talking, even when they are very quiet. He hears Hatori and Shigure speak in low voices about Akito's health. He knows that Akito has grown sick with shorter intervals of freedom. And he knows that the boy-god is rapidly seeing ghosts in the air.
And he buries his head in his covers, because he doesn't want to know.
Akito's eyes are the shade of pitch, of night, of damnation; Kyo doesn't want despair and grief to colour his image of Akito. He doesn't want for Akito to look anything less than a monster; but the cat in him shrieks for its God. The cat wants to protect Akito against further harm. The cat wants to give its life - the life Akito grants with his dying ways – back to the head of the Sohma family. It makes Kyo break things and fight Yuki and he wants to bury his face in Tohru's arms and cry, cry, cry.
But the cat and Kyo are inseparable.
Crossposted to
altar_of_akito.
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Date: 2004-11-16 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-18 08:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 07:13 pm (UTC)Wonderful read!
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Date: 2004-11-29 07:36 am (UTC)And thanks hon; Akito rocks, rocks, and rocks some more. *g*